I have three dads...

You read that right. I have three dads. I have three dads....and Father's Day is still a struggle. There...I said it. Sometimes we just don't say things enough. I think that must be one reason why our testimonies are so powerful. We finally say something and then maybe someone else realizes they aren't the only ones feeling the way they do and  gets some freedom from something we were too scared to say and then God gets the glory and the ole devil loses. I rambled. As I was saying, I have three dads: the original one, the one that raised me, and the One that chose me...

The Original:
I have an original dad. Some of you may not even know that. Some of you are probably only familiar with my daddy (the one who raised me). I don't really talk about my original dad all that much. I didn't grow up with any sort of relationship with him. The truth of the matter is that my original dad was a troubled man. He chose to not make good choices. Occasionally when I was old enough to make informed decisions about him I would try to maintain some sort of relationship with him. It never worked out.  That makes me sad. Like I said...he was troubled. I never really needed him as a dad because I had a dad (more on him later) but I would have had room in my life and in my heart for him. If he would have chosen me... The thing is that I'm not sure that in his mind, in his troubles if he was capable of choosing anything other than whatever was going on in there. And the sad end to the story is that he's gone now. I always envisioned a day somewhere in the future when he'd be OK and we'd be able to exist in the same world. Not necessarily as father and daughter but as...something. I never wanted our story to go the way it did. I never wanted to get a call from my uncle telling me that my original dad died...alone...in an abandoned building. I wish he would have made better choices. I wish that his choices had included me. I often say that it took his death to make me feel like his daughter. Funny how that works right? I used to refer to him as "the sperm donor". I don't anymore. While I still don't need him as a dad...I choose to honor that he was my first one. I choose to be appreciative of the part he played in getting me here. I choose to believe that he was not his illness. And I still choose to believe that had his life not ended the way it did somewhere down the road there would have been a space for us to exist together. I think if he was capable of that...he would have chosen it.

The One That Raised Me:
Oh boy...the one that raised me...that's my Daddy! There's never going to be a day in my life that I am not thankful for the love that my Dad has given and still gives me. I'm sure he didn't realize that he was getting a package deal when he met my mom yet he embraced me with the love of a father. I'm so thankful to him for that. I'm so thankful to him for loving me and raising me and most importantly for introducing me to the love of my Heavenly Father. Its my dad that made sure my I was in church long before I ever wanted to be there. He did not have to love me but he did. He did not have to raise me but he did. There's a special appreciation in my heart for men that raise children that they did not make. I saw it first hand. Legend has it that I used to fluctuate between calling him Dad and Dane...until he took me aside and told me that I could call him one or the other, whichever I chose, but he really hoped I chose Dad. I did. I chose Dad...and never looked back. I'm so blessed to have grown up with the love of a mother and a father when things could have gone a completely different way. He chose me....until He didn't. That is the truth of the matter. I do not at all want to hurt anyone's feelings. And want the record to show that I love my dad very much!  But these are the facts. One day my dad chose something...someone else. He left. To say that I was shattered is an understatement. I was blown to pieces. A girl should never have to watch her dad drive away in a uhaul truck. Everything was turned upside down.I have since found my way back to right side up...mostly. Thank you JESUS.  I love my dad. I love him. He is still my dad. I know that he loves me...he tells me often. I believe that he is my dad for a reason...that God gave him to me especially. I call the original dad "original" because he is not my real dad. The man that raised me...that's my real daddy. He did not have to love me...but he did. He does. Like I said...i was blown to pieces. Sometimes the pain of not being chosen (especially by someone who always chose you) just blows you to pieces. Today I'm OK...we are OK. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still find pieces that I thought I'd gathered up long ago. Admitting these things does not make you weak, it makes you healing! Moving along...

The One Who Chose Me:
I keep bringing up the word "chosen". I think its important. I don't know what its like to be a man or a son (though I suspect that also want their fathers to choose them). I can only speak about what its like to be a woman and a daughter. As a woman I don't want to just be loved, I want to be chosen. I think I know the reason for this. I think its because of my Father. My heavenly Father. He didn't just love me but He chose me. If the design of my relationship with Him is supposed to be a mirror of my relationship with my earthly dad...then it makes sense that I would want to be chosen. After all...God chose me. He didn't just love me but He chose me and He called me as His own. He is the perfect Father. In His perfect love I am chosen, I am loved, I am safe, I am home. I never have to worry about him leaving me. He just does not work that way. I am so thankful for that.

Dear sweet princess chosen daughter of God, I don't know how your relationship is with your earthly father. I hope that it is full of love and warmth and affirmation. I hope that you feel chosen time and time again. If you don't...then I hope that you can find your way into the lap of your Father. He's already chosen you...long before you ever chose Him. He knew you before you were even formed and loved you so much that He went through with His plan to create you. All while hoping that one day you'd choose Him back. You are so precious. I hope you know that. Being a dad must be hard work. Give yours a bigger hug today. Let him know you appreciate him. Let him know that you love him and that you need him and that you're sure he can beat up all the other dads on the playground ( my dad likes to hear that haha) And if you're a dad reading this...Happy Father's Day! Dad's are awesome. Mine sure is! Maybe if you have a second...just as small one today or tomorrow or sometime...be sure look your daughter(or son) in the eye...let her know that you see her...that she is loved and that she is chosen  The simple fact of the matter is that you really do set the stage for how we're gonna allow others to treat us. Teach us well!

Happy Father's Day.

Rooting for you,
Keri